I believe I am totally suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness. I am obsessed with my ex and what he did to me. I was a young naieve girl ...around 17 when I met him. I lost my virginity to him when I was 18 . I trully truly believed he loved me and he begged me to have his kid and said he would marry me. I never wanted kids before I met him but i loved him so much I just wanted to be that loving family with him. I got pregnant . I left jobcorps(where i met him) because i graduated and he stayed behind. He met another girl WHILE i was pregnant and when I was 5 months pregnant I found out. He totally left me . He never went to 1 doctor appointment nor was he there for the birth. During the remainder of my pregnancy they would send me pictures of them kissing ,call and hang up on me etc. He told her all of my most intimate secrets i only shared with him and she threw it in my face. When I did have the baby and he saw the baby he came in and "Accidently " dropped a love letter he wrote to her in my room and left. I read it and I just broke down. I cried like a baby. I cried like a baby literally EVERY day of my pregnancy. I was in a deep depression . Shortly afterwards I developed post partum depression and literally lost it. I never got help for it. I just waited for the worst symptons to disappear.
He stayed with the girl...she got pregnant. He not only took care of her . She would post on her myspace things like "my babyfather and i went for the ultrasound today ...bum bitches wish they could do that " just things like that to make me feel bad about myself. He refused to be a dad to our kid together. In fact she was so jealous she tore my baby's pictures up in front of him and he allowed her to do it.
So I raised our kid alone...fell on bad times and became homeless .He let us stay with him for a day . He basically forced himself on me that nite. I became pregnant .He stayed with me for maybe 2 weeks before he went back to the same girl..He did a total switch. He went from saying we were getting married to telling me to have an abortion . He said he used me . I got real sick 1 day and asked him to watch our kid so i could go to the er . He put the girl on the phone and they both LAUGHED at me together . I was like 6 months pregnant at the time .My voice was totally gone . I was living in a homeless shelter and he just destroyed me mentally beyond repair. I felt than and i feel now totally and completly worthless. I feel like something major must be wrong with me to get that treatment . He didnt do it to the other girl...why me?
So i ran into him when i was 9 months pregnant at the train station . He saw me and laughed at me like i was a big joke . I got mad and yelled at him for laughing at me I think i said what the hell are you laughing at and he took off his sunglasses and said "you know what you are...you really wanna know...you are yesterday's trash " I broke down. I completly broke out in tears and he walked away laughing . To this day those words just repeat in my head over and over again .When I gave birth ..I was alone I was so desperate that i called him in for the birth. For the most part he looked completly bored and he even tried to sleep with me while I was in labor! When the nurses left he came over and lifted my hospital gown ...pried my legs open and tried to force himself on me...there i am strapped up with monitors and he was only interested in sleeping with me .
After ditching me and my kids...after 5 years he decides he now wants to be a father . I let him back in ..mostly because a part of me still wanted to be with him and have that family since we have 2 kids together .He made himself clear that's never going to happen . He said " i used you for your p*ssy and your uterus" . Outside of his confession he's been a good father. He's really good with the ids and they love him but inside im totally obsessed with me. My anger and contempt has reached an all time high . I can sit and think about his betrayal for hours and hours. I even had homicidal thoughts about him. This is completly ruining my life and i cant help it. Its like i cant get over it now matter how hard i try. Im completly consumed with him. I go on facebook and wait for HOURS for a 3 word message from him about our kids...than i obsess and analyze over and over...trying to come up with a reply that can somehow jar a reaction out of him..I lose track of time and all of a sudden i look up and 3 hours passed ...thats how consumed i am . I think about him literally ALL day long and all nite long. I cant eat . I cant sleep and i just cant stop or help it. Its like...im in a total state of pain and mental anguish. I cant even function. Im not a good mother . I dont play with the kids . I have no energy to do anything but sit on facebook and wait for a message from him ....constantly changing my profile picture trying to look attractive ....it takes
Answers & Comments
Good Lord! You need to get away from him! Far far far away from him. He is a totally toxic mentally abusive @$$hole! No wonder your anger & contempt have reached an all time high! Mine would too! He's lucky you havent gone off the deep end and really committed murder! Here's what you need to do:
#1. Go to the courts and file a Parenting Plan/Residential Schedule (if you already have one - change it) to him having supervised visitations & that you want NO contact with him or 3rd parties b/c of ongoing mental abuse. If you have to pull out a civil restraining order, which doesnt require any domestic violence or anything to get it. There are supervised visitation centers that can even arrange dates/times for you so you dont have to do anything but drop the kids off, sign them in and leave/wait for a couple hours. Make sure you put in the PP/RS that he has to pay for any supervisor fees (usually like $2 per child per day - very cheap) and for transportation for the children.
#2. See about having your family help you move out of the area. Find a place where he doesnt know where you are. Preferably in a different town. Do NOT under any circumstances give him your address or new phone #.
#3. Go to the dr and ask for a Rx for depression/anxiety, tell them you are having serious problems with an abusive/manipulative ex (the father of your kids). And seek counseling, someone who can affirm what you need to do and that he is BAD for you.
PS. You arent the trash - HE is. If you were really trash then he wouldnt have gotten you prego 2x and/or you would have had an abortion. He sounds like a total d**ch*bag. Live for your kids. Live a better and healthier life for THEM. Show them how a mom has a healthy relationship and stands up for herself, how she doesnt let others control her, her emotions or her life. Show them that you (and by extension them) are better than people like him. He's NOT a good father if he treats you like that. If you have a son - do you want him to grow up and treat a woman the same way? If you have a daughter - do you want her to let a man treat her that way?
When I left my abusive ex (who I had 2 kids with) I came to a point where I said 'I would rather be alone FOREVER than be with this @$$HOLE - who is killing me inside.' And for my kids I said 'It would be better for them to have no father than him, he is so evil he will eventually destroy them too.'
Anything a person considers traumatic is traumatic to them. That is all that is important. Could u benefit from some counseling? It sure seems that u might. Anytime a person gets stuck on another or am action of a person it is detrimental to your well-being and happiness. One piece of advice I heard a long time ago is that if a person does something truly horrible to you... get as far away as u can because they've proven capable of such a thing and could do it again. Can people change? Sure. However, when your stuck on someone ur likely not making the most objective decision about whether change is actually likely. Good luck. Sounds like your worth way more.
Sweetie, why oh why do you keep going back to this monumental turd of a "human". This is the main kernel of your issue though, is that you keep going back, and it has been, from what you tell us, the only issue you need to deal with. Yes, the things he did to you are very traumatic, but your constantly returning to him has given him the opportunity to continue abusing you. Why? Where was it that you decided that you didn't deserve better treatment, and sadly, by returning to him over and over and over basically tells him to keep doing wrong to you, like you are asking for it. I am sorry, but in reality, no one does anything to us that we don't allow them to do. My guess is that you came from a dysfunctional home, where maybe you witnessed your own Mother or Father being abused by the other, and don't know what it is like to be treated properly. Maybe you were told repeatedly that you were worthless, and believed it. But here is the main problem, you brought your child(ren) back into this so it can witness the same abuse, continuing this cycle, most surely guaranteeing that your child(ren) will turn out just like you, feeling worthless and alone. Nobody makes you feel or do anything, this is totally up to you, and by saying " he makes me...." whatever gives him a "switch" that he can turn on and off at will. Few abusive people can resist such power, and this guy sounds like a sociopath of the worst kind. My advice to you is to RUN, don't walk, RUN to the nearest exit, with your child(ren), and don't ever look back. Go to a Woman's shelter, and tell them some of this, then get some counselling because you really need it. You have value as a Human being, and you are worthy of so much better, and may he burn in hell for eternity (this will be up to the Creator of course, not you) for being so horrible to you. You deserve better, but you need to believe this to the very core of your being. PLEASE GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!
Oh my god, he's a terrible person to do that to you! That's definitely traumatic, he's ruined your life!
Listen, the best thing would be to just get away from the internet for a while, and definitely work on detaching yourself from him. Get a psychiatrist, or anyone just to listen to you and help sort your head out... he's way too dangerous for you to be around that much anymore. Please just go out and get help for yourself, seriously, you really need it. He's screwed over your life, but you don't need to let it go on anymore. You're so much better than him. You can throw him away, move on with your life, and make him see what a total d*ck he's been. I know it seems impossible, but that just means it's going to take a lot of time. Seriously, it's just time to put a stop to this, and take back control. <3
considering which you're describing a definite experience on your existence, i've got self belief you may desire to look up placed up demanding rigidity ailment and seek advice from a psychiatrist by way of fact in assessment to a therapist they are in a position to prescribe drugs. while you're coping with melancholy and bi polar ailment there may well be a different correlation between those matters and how this experience has affected you. in the experience that your matters are actually not brought about via serotonin, dopamine norepinephrine, nutrition and so on. deficiencies you could in all probability triumph over those with the ideal selection remedies.
thats a long story but your ex boyfriend is a loser and a whore and a douchebag and men should be arrested for that. that is traumatic. you need to move on and find a better man and if you cant take care of your kids you have to file a lawsuit towards him or meet him in court and he has to take custody of the kids you have with him. do you know where he lives? go drive to his house. never trust men. men just DONT EVER respect women. its better to be single.....it also sounds like he didnt want to have kids with you, it sounded more like he wants sex. what a total loser. men should be thrown in jail for stuff like that,. im even pist off hearing this.
I feel bad for you cause your letting this guy tear you down bad. You can't go on like this, you know he is no good for you. Why are you trying to prove your self to him. He isn't worth it.
Get rid of him, your better then that guy ever will be. Believe in your kids and yourself and you will find a better man, I guarantee it. But you got to change your thinking and move on to someone else better. Someone who will treat you good not bad. This guy is cruel and he doesn't deserve you.
Your mistake is in going to him over and over. As long as you tolerate this man' s presence in your life you will feel this way.
You need to get away from him and sue him for as much child support as you can. You need to have DNA tests, whatever it takes to take as much of his money as you can - because your children need it and then he will see you are not to be trifled with and he will leave you alone.
Do not give him this power over you. Take your power back!
Do not speak to either of these people. Take him to court. If he tries to touch you again press charges.
Help is available from Social Services and other women's organizations - do not go to him in desperation ever again. Just take all of his money for child support.