I know the Lord of the Rings is not a documentary but sometimes after martial arts practice (I hold a Green Belt in Kenpo Karate), I swear that I see little men with pointy ears loitering around the dumpster next to the topless bar across the street. My buddy J.T. tells me that I need to get new glasses or contacts because those little men with pointy ears are probably just Mexicans with unfortunate deformities, but I have been around too long to fall for a simple explanation like that. I am an intense person and take my Kenpo training extremely serious, and have developed the kind of mental clarity that men like Bill Gates enjoyed when they created the Ipod. Also, when I meditate, I see the spirits of my warrior ancestors, and they have confirmed to me the existence of humanoid races that once walked the Earth, raping with impunity. I have thought about confronting the elves this week. Should I? Do elves exist? Or will I end up hospitalizing a bunch of innocent delivery guys, again?