Ever since I was a teenager my attitude towards my family has been a big hurtle for me to change. Even though I have a great relationship with my parents, my attitude can sometimes change that. Often, I lash out at my parents whenever they seem to be unfair or unreasonable. For example, if I ask their permission to go hang out with my friends, who they know, they would say I can’t go for various reasons. Furthermore, not only does my attitude affect the relationship with my parents, but also effects the way they view me. By yelling at my parents when they seem to be unreasonable can make me look like I am four years old. One way that I can act like I am four years old, is when I go to my room and shut the door after an argument that I had with my parents. Finally, if I can have a positive attitude towards my parents, they would allow me to go out with my friends and treat me like an adult.
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It is an ok paragraph. There are some problems.
First of all, you don't "change" a hurtle, you "jump" it, or maybe "overcome" it.
Then, try this instead: "For example, sometimes when I ask their permission to hang out with friends that they know, they say I can't go for various reasons."
Another fix: "Yelling at my parents when they seem to be unreasonable can make me look like I am four years old." Then after this go right into "Another immature behavior I have is going to my room and shutting the door after an argument with my parents." And then, don't say "Finally": this makes it seems like you are offering another example. Instead, say "All of this leads me to the conclusion that if I can have a positive attitude toward my parents, they would allow me to go out with my friends and treat me like an adult."
Nope.
Reason, sentence by sentence:
1) Obvious, everyone goes through this...try making it sound a little less common.
2) Ever, to even? Redundant-sounding. Also, more obviousness. At this point the reader will probably say, "well then....change your attitude."
3) At this point the 3 sentences I have read started out the same, "I this, I that, I this, I that..."
4) If I ask FOR* their permission. What types of reasons? What types of people are you hanging out with? These are things the reader must know in order to identify with your problem, much less come up with a conclusion as to whether or not you have a problem.
5) No sh*t :)
6) Yes, indeed. This is also obvious.
7) Four year olds do that? Really? Most of them talk about Spiderman.
8) This is terrible lol, sorry to be blunt. But...this concluding sentence made me as a reader say, "Why did I just read this? Obviously she knows she has an attitude problem, and knows that if she grows up and stops acting like an idiot, her parents will respect her and allow her to do things more often."
All in all, this is redundant, boring, and the full-circle it pulls at the last sentence only aggravates me.