"Texas Diary" - Rated R

May 30th

Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-

conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to

see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of

cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another

scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get

used to this kind of heat? Too bad it's not a dry heat. Getting used

to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th

Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body.

Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my

lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th

I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this

morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had

swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over

$2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car

now smells like Kibbles and ****. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th

Dry God D*mn heat, my ***. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is

on the fritz, and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell

me he needed to order parts.

July 30th

Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Fifteen

hundred dollars in damn house payments and we can't even go inside.

Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th

One hundred and fifteen degrees. Finally got the air conditioner

fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90.

Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this F&%kin' state.

Aug 8th

If another wise *** cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to

tear his F*@#king throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work

the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell

like roasted F***NG Garfield!

Aug 10th

The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny.

It's been too hot to f*ck for two damn months and the weatherman

says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this

barren desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so

$1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool.

Even a cactus can't live in this heat. What the F*ck!?

Aug 14th

Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the

window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The

installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My

wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th

Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!%

monsoon rains finally came and all they did is make it muggier than

hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new

$500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to California for

some peace and quiet.