Constructive criticism please! (poem)?
Wintry light, stars, wind! Take thy flight.
Moonbeams be pale and bones be frail.
Pull the anchor and raise the sail.
I’ll come thy way, wintry day.
Nothing will keep me now.
Nothing will keep me now.
Would-be-waves are struck by cold.
I feel it not, though I be old.
Fire roars beneath my skin, melts the ice, and sets akin.
My face is white. ‘Tis made of snow.
Blue beneath, where frost won’t blow.
On I go. On I go.
Nothing will stop me now.
Land of Fire. Land of Dread. Land of Peace. Land of Dead.
When I come, you’ll take me gladly.
But you need me not too badly.
I have my ship, my wheel, my hands—
So I’ll pass these distant lands.
Take me, sea, and I’ll take thee.
We’ll go on together now.
We’ll go on together.
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This is a really good poem. You have talent! You have a very consistent structure and I love the way the lines fit together. My only criticism would be that you look up the meaning of words before you use them. For example, the word 'akin' means related to one another and I don't think that works particular well with that line. I'm also not quite sure what you mean by the 8th line because the two statements in that line don't really go together. But maybe that's something you have to know the meaning of the poem to understand. I hope I've been helpful, if so I word gladly do so again.
I would also recommend getting a rhyming dictionary as I've found it very helpful with my own work.
I really like it. Despite being a bit 'unoriginal' in theme and style I think it works well together. Don't take that as an insult! It has a nice rhythm and a simple and coherent theme. well done :)
Just lovely. You're a warrior poet! : )