Constructive criticism please! (poem)?
Cradled
I remember
What it was like
To be an embryo
The net licks my face
Like the sac of a uterus.
Caught in my own trap
The others don’t have time
To save me
I’m still cutting
Dreadfully
At the slick ropes
When the knife
Turns close
—Far too close—
To my thumb
The salt attacks
The water shimmers
The blood calls the
Shark that
Just
Got
Away
Sink slowly back
To Mother Earth
Man, Fetus, Embryo
Fertilizer
For the last time
Should have been the cook.
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There are some interesting ideas and metaphorical devices, not to mention some intriguing imagery. The main point to consider however, would be to possibly try and create a more rhythmic structure or attempt to make the stanzas flow a little better. After reading through it a couple of times, I tried to see if, by reading it to different speeds, there was a better way to increase the flow so from this, you could also possibly try to make more use of punctuation to guide the reader. Just a suggestion but other than that, it's promising. Hope this helps.
Please review mine in kind if you wish: http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Al...