I know what you're thinking (or at least what some of you are thinking) "You're just making it up" or "pick up a bible" yada yada. Just hear me out, okay? My dad has been abusive since as long as I can remember. He's never physically hurt me, but he has blackmailed me more times than I can count ever since my parents were divorced when I was four. He would tell me that whenever I wanted to go see my mom it would make him sad and ask me "Don't you like it here?" and other things like that. He would also constantly criticize my appearance, saying that I would look trashy in baggy sweats (It was like 8:00 in the morning give me a break) and that I needed to start watching my weight and pinching my belly to make fun of me even though I had taken pride in my naturally lean figure my whole life. My dad also kidnapped me several times, picking me up when I was young and out playing in the grass without calling my mom or asking if I could spend time with him when it was my mom's turn to take care of me, and making me feel responsible for his feelings. Now that I look back on it, I was more of a parent when it came to his emotions than he was to me. Sure, he fed me and let me sleep under his roof, but so can a kidnapper. He also took me to see family without talking to my mom and forbade me to call her or text her when he picked me upt. I eventually snuck off and managed to call her and tell her about his plans which she had no idea about, and I ended up leaving that night across country when my dad had told her nothing of this. I stayed there for two weeks.

I also went on a four month vacation two summers ago, two weeks spent with my dad and two weeks with my mom. When I was with my mom, my dad would constantly send me harassing texts whenever I wouldn't text him for a day. When I did keep him updated about my whereabouts with my family, my dad would complain and say "I wanted to teach you to surf" or "I wanted to take you there.". You have to understand that I was trying to do what he wanted but it still wasn't enough, nothing I did was never enough for him. I always needed to be a better student and a better athlete and he would never reward me when I did something well. When confronted about this, my dad would say he wanted to keep me working hard and not settle for mediocre when I had considered my achievement great. He hardly ever complimented me. My father would also shove Christianity down my throat, making me go to church and sit through sermons with him when I was very young. Normally, there would be no problem with this if we hadn't been going to the most corrupt church in the city. He also tricked me into eating meat when I was very young and a vegetarian.

I tried going to therapy with him and talking it out and trying to tell him that if he'd just see the error of his ways I would be happy to live with him again, but he insisted I was the problem and I was crazy, not him. I've had a therapist for almost nine years because of him.

Now I won't go into any more detail about that, but since I've left my dad's presence (i live with my mom and stepdad now), I've found myself craving things I wouldn't usually. Male affection of much older men and a developing daddy kink (but I never fantasized about my dad because..no). Half the time I'm craving some form of physical affection from males so badly i half to clutch a pillow to myself. I have a terrible body image that makes me want to throw up every time I eat and I've been wanting to binge drink and the works. I never, ever wanted to do any of this before I stopped living with my dad and now the aftereffects of his emotional abuse are setting in. I had a terrible case of something like Stockholm Syndrome for a very long time and now that I'm out of it I feel empty. I eat more often than I used to, not because I'm hungry but because I feel the need to fill the emptiness inside me that my dad's abusive presence left. I know a lot of this is hormones but I've started hating myself so much and just wishing someone would love me and treat me the way my dad didn't so badly I feel like nothing can solve this ache. I just don't know what to call this so could someone please help?

Also- please don't bring religion into this, regardless of your intentions or religion. It really does not help me since religion has been forced down my throat since I was very young. I really would like some non-biased help with this.