constructive criticism for my poem?
What if birds couldn't fly
what if man couldn't die
How would you reflect your dreams
how would you cover up the screams
Saw through the anger and break through your fear
the story of your life is starting to smear
run through the gates of life and death
you feel empty inside, like there's nothing left
you scream to the clouds "how could this be?"
the shackles let loose, you are let free
looking back to see your crime
seeing that there was a line
a line that wasnt ment to be crossed
a line that kept you from being lost
a line that kept you from being sad
a line that kept your anger when mad
The line had been shattered, there is no going back
you cry alone, embark to the black
i wrote it in like 5 min so it kinda sucks xD
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The point is to make it scan...read smoothly...part of that is rhyme and part is syllable count....they should be even. I made some suggestions ...see what you think....you have a way with words and an excellent twist of phrase...why not learn something about how poems are constructed? It is not difficult to learn..
What if birds couldn't fly
what if man couldn't die
How would you reflect your dreams
how would you smother your screams
Saw through the anger and break through your fear
your life story is beginning to smear
run through the gates of life and death
you feel empty inside, like nothing is left
you scream to the clouds "how could this be?"
the shackles let loose, you are set free
looking back upon your crime
you see that there was once a line
a line that wasn't meant to be crossed
a line that kept you from becoming lost
a line that kept you from being sad
a line that kept you from raving mad
That line is now shattered, there's no going back
you cry alone, embark into the black
i really like it. it gets you thinking of things the opposite of what does happen. i like how you said "the line had been shattered, there is no going back", becuase its true. once you have crossed a line its hard if at times not possible to go back. i really like it!