2. There should be a comma after "me". Whenever you are addressing a person, there should always be a comma separating them. So..."Forgive me, my brother."
I think you could have handled what you wrote previously with more description and figurative language, though. It just seems too simple to stand out.
"I remember your eyes
the eyes that shine"
You have SO many different opportunities to describe his eyes but you don't. You could describe the color, what they shine like (metaphor/similar), and so much more. Same with the other things: so many opportunities, but you don't.
Unless you intended it to be short, but you could have gotten better adjectives and used better vocabulary.
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I like this part:
"I saw you in my dreams,you were a child
You laughed.....I cry
Forgive me my brother."
Though there are a few mistakes.
1. You used ellipsis wrong. Use only three dots.
2. There should be a comma after "me". Whenever you are addressing a person, there should always be a comma separating them. So..."Forgive me, my brother."
I think you could have handled what you wrote previously with more description and figurative language, though. It just seems too simple to stand out.
"I remember your eyes
the eyes that shine"
You have SO many different opportunities to describe his eyes but you don't. You could describe the color, what they shine like (metaphor/similar), and so much more. Same with the other things: so many opportunities, but you don't.
Unless you intended it to be short, but you could have gotten better adjectives and used better vocabulary.