This is my first rendition of a short essay I'll be entering into a competition. Please constructively criticise this piece. What's wrong, what's right? All help is appreciated.
Tragedy can become a death within one's soul. A crumpling body, its limbs shred by that of an unknown
projectile, screams in an earnest tone for merciless salvation. The sight of such leaves a scar, driven across the center of the chest, the foremost apical point across the center of our heart, leaving behind it the grief and sadness only a loved one's peril can bring about. The death of the physical body echoed with the death in our own soul transfigures this world of ours into a place of darkness, the light of the sun ever attempting to feed our insatiable desire for a return of the loved one. A world consumed by grief in such proportion may seem one not worth our presence, the death of our own soul redeemable only with the help of a divine force, the one driving it more than eager to aid in the reclamation of our torn soul, his reasoning ensured by his honest conviction in the fact that the loved one is in better hands, and their sight shall greet our eyes once again, the soul seemingly mending instantaneously brings rise to happiness never once imagined.
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Verified answer
Drop the word APICAL. The last 4 1/2 or 5 lines need to be broken up into sentences, not one run-on after another. Also, I would separate the first sentence from the rest of this essay, to make a point, instantly. Watch your commas, and think how they bring the thought to the front, if you use them.
This is a great read; I hope to read the finished product.
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